Suicide Note

I was asked what the bravest thing that I’ve ever did was,
and my answer was….
“Not making my wrists smile hard enough”
Then I asked myself,
Is this enough?
Is this ink I shed on this paper enough for you?
Or would you prefer me to give you the real stuff?
Would you rather me cut open my wrist for you?
I’ve done it twice before,
and I can do it again it need be.
It comes so naturally to me.
Last night,
I laid in my bed and almost embraced death…
See sometimes I swear I can see God
and he’s telling me to come home.
Sometime I swear He’s pissed
I haven’t listen to the signs He gave me,
the knives He gave me,
why the fuck hasn’t anybody tried to save me?
Am I really that crazy?
Lately I swear shit been talking to me like…
sheets and ropes be telling me we should go for a swing.
Pills be like the can heal all of my pain,
if I take enough of them they can fix everything.
Pools, rivers, and bathtubs tell me that they can hold me under their waters
and protect me from that evil thing called life.
Now knives,
they just wanna hold my wrists.
And guns,
they just wanna kiss my temple
and soothe me into an eternal peace.
They all seem like they wanna help me,
care for me more than you motha fuckas ever did.
So what’s stopping me……
these knives,
are thirsty.
Waiting to get drunk of this wine that flows through me.
1991 was a good year…
Too bad I was born and fucked it all up.
What’s wrong with me?
I can’t stop crying…
My soul is drowning,
and it doesn’t feel like fighting back anymore.
Sometimes I lay down,
and I don’t feel like getting back up.
Sometimes I put this pen down,
and i don’t feel like picking it back up.
What’s the point of writing this?
Don’t nobody care…
Don’t nobody give a fuck what happens to Shay.
They say they do,
but they don’t…
not as much as they care for others.
I’m at the bottom of everybody’s priority list,
so please tell me who the fuck would miss me?
Nobody.
Sometimes i wonder why i really carry pocketknives…
is it really for my own protection?
Or is it just for the satisfaction of knowing I always have an exit?
Maybe it’s to protect me,
from me.
I’m tired of carrying the world on my shoulders.
Tired of trying to help.
Tired of bending over backwards,
being everybody’s stepladder,
helping them get where they need to be,
when they just turn around and shit on me.
My heart is bleeding,
and it’s on it’s last everything.
I feel like I’m screaming silence,
like my tongue has been snatched from me,
like my miscarried baby.
I should have fought harder for the sanctity of my womb,
and now it’s just a wasteland,
uninhabitable,
because it’s been polluted,
cleaned up,
and polluted again.
This is my fault…
I should have fought back.
I’m drained…
These 18 years
have felt more like 18 lifetimes gone to waste,
amounted to nothing.
So useless.
I hate this,
but everybody seem to get a kick out of watching my pain,
so I hope this is a good enough show for you.
Sorry if it comes to an abrupt halt,
and you collide with my misery,
and I’ll tell you,
in it just float…
and consider this,
my suicide note…

Dreams

I needed you last night.
So bad that my mind started playing tricks,
cause I swear I saw your face reflected in the moonlight.
This was nothing sexual,
it was purely spiritual.
I was feigning for your soul.,
though we just got off the phone
not even half an hour ago.
You still got my heart beating fast…
and for the past couple of weeks
you where all I could think about.
So I feel asleep at 3
listening to old school R&B
and writing this to you.
Trying to make sense of how you got me feeling.
You got me daydreaming about your eyes…
swimming through your irises.
I had to remind myself to breathe
when I imagined you kissing me.
You made me forget
that I forgot.
how to forget about my past…
made me open up to you.
I dreamed about listening to your heartbeat
tell me the stories of your history.
I see your scares as nothing more
than mere beauty marks that accent you perfectly.
You are beautiful to me.
You had me smiling all day
as I replayed our conversation over in my head.
Losing myself inside everything that you said to me.
You got me hooked like…
your fingertips were laced in nicotine,
and it’s been too long since I had a drag.
Now I’m fighting the urge to call you.
My phone is betraying me,
it keeps playing with me.
Why hasn’t it rung yet?
I’m waiting to hear your voice on the other end of my phone line,
waiting for your tone to send these shivers down my spine.
I’m waiting…
just…
waiting.
Watching time go by slowly.
I have dreams of you holding me,
treating me the way I need to be.
I’m dying to be your Queen,
dying for you to make me acknowledge my beauty.
Come save me…
for me.
This throne is empty,
come take your place.
Let me crown you.
Show you that my hands were made
the perfect tools for loving you.
Smile life into my soul.
Baby,
I didn’t just want you…
I needed you last night.
Without you I didn’t know what to do,
so please…
come make my dreams come true.

She Does

Baby, I’m sorry…
but I thought it was about time I told you…
the truth.
I’ve been cheating on.
Please don’t take it personal,
it’s just you couldn’t please me…
the way She does.
can’t reach the spots that
She does it so much better than you… ever could.
You can’t touch me the way She does,
She reaches through me.
Caress my spirit,
and makes love to my mental,
and when we do get physical…
we birth masterpieces.
She comes so easily to me,
She feels right…
and I can’t tell you how many nights we’ve spent together
making me so tired that I would fall asleep on her
knowing that I would wake up the next morning still tasting her.
She taste so good rolling off my tongue.
It’s like…
she was created to be my one,
even if I’m not hers.
It’s ok…
I don’t mind sharing,
cause I know that She will always have time for me.
She will always come to me if I need her
wrap herself around me and hold me together.
She never ignores me.
She knows exactly when something is wrong
that’s why I’m in love with her.
I’ll do anything for her,
kill to reach her,
and dismantle anyone of her lovers that are not worthy…
My parents don’t want me to be with her,
they don’t understand our connection.
Don’t understand why I’m willing to lie to them
just to get a chance to be with her.
Sometimes even just to watch.
Don’t like when we display our affections publicly,
but my baby…
loves attention.
Loves when people watch us,
loves when I watch her with others…
She’s kinda a freak like that.
She’ll allow just about anybody to take her.
Loves when you do it in public places,
the more people,
the better.
She’s a temptress.
Always seducing the young,
I mean she got me when I was just 15.
Showed me things that I had never seen before.
Introduced me to 3-somes
and the exhilaration of 4.
She stood right by my side when the judgmental
made me not want to be with her anymore.
She was there through my break-ups,
and even joined in on some of my relationships.
Helped me with my family issues,
every time I cried she was right by my side.
She was always there…
See baby,
I thought it was about time that I told you
about my love affair…
with poetry.
She means everything to me,
and again I say please don’t take this personally.
I’m sorry,
it’s just you couldn’t please me…
like poetry.
She does it so much better than you…
ever could.