May 5th (Birthday)

He sings to me sometimes…
and I’ll remember him like labor pains,
2 fingers pressed between pelvis and thigh,
you use to sit here.
Just outside of healthy,
but you followed mommy’s foot steps,
became a pipeline dreamer like your father.
I guess you got stuck in the plumbing,
and I told myself that I wasn’t ready to be a mother anyway.
Made excuses not to mourn you.
Told myself to listen to my doctor,
there was nothing that could be done,
I would die if I kept you.
Thought maybe one day you’d come back to me.
Avoided thought’s like maybe I didn’t deserve you,
I’m not fit to be a mommy
all this is my fault.
Pills silenced the dreams,
but not you voice.
And as I thought about rising razor to wrist
Sunday school lessons still play themselves over in my head
“He‘s got the whole world, in his hands.
He‘s got the whole world, in his hands.”
Then why the fuck do people tell me not to blame Him?
My knees had never been so red in my life,
I begged Him to keep you…
more than the night I begged Him to keep your father,
and just as much,
if not more than the night I begged Him to keep my own life.
See I think He’s playing with me.
I had nightmares about being sterile
due to the 2 assaults on womb
that spread my hips as wide as they spread my virgin lips…
The last time felt like I was on fire.
They told me only had a 75% chance for reproduction.
So I guess He sent me you as a way of telling me it was possible,
just to turn around and snatch you from me.
Funny how we’ve made so many medical advances but still haven’t found a way to save a tubal pregnancy.
I wanted you.
And I hope you heard me talking to you every night.
I swear I have never felt so empty.
I swear I have never felt so helpless…
Laying on table,
I would have traded my life for yours,
I tried to trade my life for yours.
I thought I could wait it out.
Thought that maybe if I just kept talking to you
you’d hear me,
push yourself down to where you needed to be,
but I guess your ears hadn’t quite developed yet.
I was knocking on deaths door,
one week before rupture.
I’ve never felt so alone,
I know he’s sorry,
but I still haven’t forgiven your father for not being there.
He should have been there,
my hand was as empty as my womb would soon be.
I still can barely look him in his face without seeing yours in it’s shadows.
I know he loves me.
I love you,
sleep easy.
My son,
you would’ve been my Sun.
No you would have lite a light in my life so bright
that ball of burning atmospheric gas would have dimmed in embarrassment
My son,
my soul...
keep singing,
I hear you.
I guess I needed a guardian angel,
and who better to fit the job description than you?
Yeah, I’ll remember…
Carry you in my walk so that you can help me find peace.
You see he sings to me sometimes,
and I sing back as he wipes my tears…
I hold him.
Between pelvis and thigh,
he sits here…
and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

A Toast...For You

So how long are you going to hold it?
Keep acting like they don’t exist?
Knocking ‘em back like that…
Unspoken words burn backs of throats like shots of alcohol,
so I hope you can hold your liquor.
Keep dancing around your thoughts,
but you can’t run from you forever.
I never took you for the alcoholic type anyway.
So if you don’t mind…
can you please stop tongue kissing the bottle.
Silence doesn’t suit you.
Blessed with the ability to perform lyrical gymnastics.
Every time you try and speak after swallowing your words I can hear the sounds of the vocal holocaust trapped inside your trachea.
New age Hitler,
it’s ok to be human sometimes.
What is it that you’re not saying?
Or did you leave these thoughts in between the parentheses legs made that night parked behind bushes?
Did you think I didn’t know?
Did you confuse your muse?
Keep sipping you silence,
maybe the taste will grow better over time…
Perched on top of your vocal chords are fermented testimonies that you soul never got a chance to make.
You should stop prepping you mind for battle,
your heart has been through too much already.
And you of all people should know best that a warrior that has nothing else to lose,
will gain everything by winning.
Those beats have never been that quite so stop trying to silence the music.
I’m not saying make a public service announcement,
but I mean c’mon son…
I thought we we’re better than that?
You can tell me anything you need to.
Who are you to decide for me what is relevant,
or not?
I recalled you telling me we could tell each other anything
Maybe I heard incorrectly…
Or maybe you’re upset that I chased your shadow when I could no longer find your stature by my side.
6 ft golden brown body,
I never thought I’d see this king fall.
I’ve tried to help you,
but you’re like sand gripped in tight fist.
Keep running,
pushing me away.
I promise you will succeed in your efforts.
Maybe that’s what you want.
Secrets kill souls.
so speak now or forever hold your Rest In Peace.
Maybe some things are best meant to stay unsaid…
So swallow,
let your words carve hieroglyphics into your esophagus,
leave them there until the next archeological metaphor finds them
and pushes them into your frontal lobe.
Maybe then silence won’t be so golden to you.
I know your throat is burning,
I can see signs of inebriation,
are your drunk yet?
I warned you to stop kissing that bottle.
Now it’s too late,
your next round of shots are waiting,
and who are you to refuse?
We’re too far of into this drinking game for you to forfeit,
so here’s a toast to you.
Cheers…