May 5th (Birthday)

He sings to me sometimes…
and I’ll remember him like labor pains,
2 fingers pressed between pelvis and thigh,
you use to sit here.
Just outside of healthy,
but you followed mommy’s foot steps,
became a pipeline dreamer like your father.
I guess you got stuck in the plumbing,
and I told myself that I wasn’t ready to be a mother anyway.
Made excuses not to mourn you.
Told myself to listen to my doctor,
there was nothing that could be done,
I would die if I kept you.
Thought maybe one day you’d come back to me.
Avoided thought’s like maybe I didn’t deserve you,
I’m not fit to be a mommy
all this is my fault.
Pills silenced the dreams,
but not you voice.
And as I thought about rising razor to wrist
Sunday school lessons still play themselves over in my head
“He‘s got the whole world, in his hands.
He‘s got the whole world, in his hands.”
Then why the fuck do people tell me not to blame Him?
My knees had never been so red in my life,
I begged Him to keep you…
more than the night I begged Him to keep your father,
and just as much,
if not more than the night I begged Him to keep my own life.
See I think He’s playing with me.
I had nightmares about being sterile
due to the 2 assaults on womb
that spread my hips as wide as they spread my virgin lips…
The last time felt like I was on fire.
They told me only had a 75% chance for reproduction.
So I guess He sent me you as a way of telling me it was possible,
just to turn around and snatch you from me.
Funny how we’ve made so many medical advances but still haven’t found a way to save a tubal pregnancy.
I wanted you.
And I hope you heard me talking to you every night.
I swear I have never felt so empty.
I swear I have never felt so helpless…
Laying on table,
I would have traded my life for yours,
I tried to trade my life for yours.
I thought I could wait it out.
Thought that maybe if I just kept talking to you
you’d hear me,
push yourself down to where you needed to be,
but I guess your ears hadn’t quite developed yet.
I was knocking on deaths door,
one week before rupture.
I’ve never felt so alone,
I know he’s sorry,
but I still haven’t forgiven your father for not being there.
He should have been there,
my hand was as empty as my womb would soon be.
I still can barely look him in his face without seeing yours in it’s shadows.
I know he loves me.
I love you,
sleep easy.
My son,
you would’ve been my Sun.
No you would have lite a light in my life so bright
that ball of burning atmospheric gas would have dimmed in embarrassment
My son,
my soul...
keep singing,
I hear you.
I guess I needed a guardian angel,
and who better to fit the job description than you?
Yeah, I’ll remember…
Carry you in my walk so that you can help me find peace.
You see he sings to me sometimes,
and I sing back as he wipes my tears…
I hold him.
Between pelvis and thigh,
he sits here…
and I wouldn’t have it any other way.