Shut Up And Bleed

I’ve bled too many times for you
you’ve drained my heart dry
my poetic vampire
why do you insist on killing me so slowly?
your kiss wounds never seem to heal
but getting them didn’t hurt like this
your touches have left deep imprints only visible to me
that are constant reminders of the misery I’m drowning in
my eyes have darkened
they have become unfamiliar irises
that shed shattered tears
that taste too much like your “I Love You’s”
my pillow is tired of tasting those words
tired of being drenched in my heartache nightly
the dead stranger that stares back at me from my mirror is starting to scare me
she looks too much like the person I use to be
only colder
but her souls burns with a devastating fury
that sometimes consumes her
cripples her till the point of convulsions that shake her spirit
tears through her body
burning
I want to hate you
no better yet I want to fucking erase you
bleach my heart and mind so I can find somebody else
that can make me forget about the emptiness I feel
but in that same breathe
I don’t want anyone else
you’ve polluted my head
to the point that my dreams and nightmares cry out for you
I constantly have to remind myself to breathe
it seems pointless now
and I’m scared that my chest is going to collapse
scared that my heart has grown to heavy
and I will no longer be able to carry it
I’ve shut down completely
I no longer know me
only what I’ve become
I truly see differently now
no one will ever be good enough
no one will ever be able to understand
no one will be able to put me back together again
I’ve been shattered into too many pieces
you’ve become unknown to me
sprinkled with a faint familiarity
what happened to the person I feel in love with?
why did you take him away from me?
No longer can “I Watch Him”
cause I hate the fact that “I’m In Love With You”
And I know I use to hate her
but maybe it wasn’t the fact that “She Never Deserved You”
maybe you just didn’t know how to treat her either
Or maybe your feelings were genuine
you just didn’t know how to “Prove It”
and now she’s “Broken”
like me
again I say I’ve cried too many tears for you
bled too many times for you
took too many slash wounds on my heart from you
and you’ve only returned the favor once
you don’t talk to me
you keep telling me
I love you
I miss you
I’m sorry
but it seems like you don’t really understand what I want for you
so I’ll tell you
I just want you to hurt like me
just shut up
and bleed
for me
please...

Ice Age

They call me cold hearted
but it’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly when the frost bite started,
when my heart turned artic,
and when my aortic arch started to pump out too much anti freeze for my body to handle.
My engine has started to sputter,
losing life slowly,
spiraling out of control-
I think I need a jump start…
but I’m too afraid of the electricity.
I tend to run from love
finding comfort in the arms of my heart’s assassin
closed casket
I buried my heart a long time ago
And a year later…
I buried my common sense
Choosing to date fools who were only good for a good…
Love seems like it’s playing a never ending game of hide and seek with me
were I’m constantly it,
I’m constantly chasing.
And sometimes I fool myself into think that I finally caught it and then…
I run from it,
but love never seems to catch back up with me.
Funny how I end up chasing all over again…
Damn if I shouldn’t be a track star.
I’ve lost count of how many times this thing in my chest has been
snatched from me,
how many times I’ve almost lost all dignity
because my heart
betrayed my mind.
Don’t want to remember how many times I’ve mistaken love
for lust.
How many times I’ve looked for safety in the Devil’s arms
cause daddy…
wouldn’t hold me.
Always looking for the affection of man
in little boys who don’t even understand
the definition of how to be one
Funny,
I don’t know either…
maybe that’s why I fall easy.
I never knew what the sincerity in I love you should sound like
so when the words are uttered to me I make myself believe them.
It use to be easy for me to let people in,
but now,
as many times as I’ve been broken
I never open.
Everyone that has ever told me they loved me
has left me…
so it’s easier for me to let them leave
if there’s nothing that connects them to me.
I tend to give new people the cold shoulder
that way it won’t be any new ice sickles
to stab in my chest to make my heart grow colder.
I tend to hide my emotions.
You only see me lose composure when I’m…
about…
to blow,
So know that if you think that I’m just a little pissed…
I’ve really reached a whole new level of pissed-ocity
I warn you.
Though my heart might be cold
I can unleash the fires of hell with my wrath
don’t test me
I snap,
easy…
Especially since every chick that screams they like kin to me
ain’t no real friend to me
They flip-flop more than the shoes with the same damn name
Two faced
If I had a real friend for every dagger wound in my back
I’d have an army big enough to bring our soldiers back
I’d rather ride solo
cause from the get-go
I’ve been betrayed.
My kindness has been misused,
so I guess it’s safe to say I have trust issues
I’m sorry
Wait I lied,
FUCK AN APOLOGY
I refuse to give you the satisfaction of thinking that you mean anything to me.
You’re not worth my “I’m sorry”
It was you who made me this way
every one of you who’s done dirt to me
my own family seems like they are the descendents of Judas.
Betray me with kisses that send shiver down my spine.
They call me cold hearted
but maybe,
my heart has just been frozen over
and
d
r
o
p
p
e
d
s h a t t e r e d
So now,
it doesn’t exist anymore….

Bonded Souls

Our souls have met before
intertwining iniquitously intricate
forming an unbreakable braided bond between us
and I’m left,
wondering…
what were we before?
who were we to each other before?
before I was confined to this being
this name,
this ethnicity.
I’m left dreaming of time traveling back
till I find the origin
of our connection
who were you to me?
in another life
in another time…
maybe…
you were mine
husband who loved me unconditionally
blessed me
showered me with affection
put nothing above me,
loved me passionately,
your touches tease me with our unknown memories
who were you to me before?
what was your name?
was it father?
Was I your daughter?
your baby girl
or maybe I was your son
your child,
your seed
you beamed glory
saw my imperfections perfectly
Or was I mommy
bandaging scraped knees
letting you fall asleep on me
Were you snatched from me?
My aborted baby
child taken from mother?
Or were you my brother,
were we seeds birth from the same fruitconceived from palm leafs pressed to closely
siblings
joined at the hip
inseparable
protecting each other
shedding blood if anyone dared to hurt blood
What is our connection
Cause from the first time I saw you
I was drawn to you
I felt like I’d known you before
though I couldn’t place your face
I knew that if I could trace our spirit’s paths far back enough
I’d find you
hidden in my unknown history
for all I know we could’ve been enemies
hated one another
couldn’t stand to even look at each other
your death sworn from my lips
I had a bounty on your head
and you
wanted me dead
who could we have been
maybe you were master
slave owner
and I worked your fields diligently
picking your cotton
and taking the whip lashes you left on me
you considered me property
nothing more than another possession you could use at your disposal
I feel your presents before I ever know where you are
and your voices triggers unseen flash backs of our past
and sometimes
I have to fight the urge to touch you
reach out and try to grasp some part of who we used to be
you’re a constant figure in my dreams
but it seems like I always wake up before I catch you
You are a familiar stranger,
I know nothing about you
but I know you,
Our souls,
have met before…

Soldier

He’s tryna be a soldier
Tryna prove he can handle the weight of the world on his shoulders
Barricading his self with his burdens
And he tells me,
He never quite knew how to lay them down
Never knew how to place them at the feet of He
Never knew how to pray correctly
Tells me he wants to do better he just doesn’t know how
And I can almost hear the crack in his voice whisper his tears to me
And I feel like holding him
Cradling his fears
I want to be his new foundation
Or at least the cement used to fill the cracks in his old one
He’s dying for some stability
But he won’t let anyone get close enough to help him
He’s been taught that being a man means never let anyone in
Never show your weakness
And never let anyone see you cry
But his weakness is that he’s scared of being weak
And his unshed tears are drowning his soul
Weighing down his spirit
Maybe that’s why he moves so slow
Dragging his feet
And sometimes I wonder if he wishes that his heels were erasers
Wishes that he could erase the traces of his existence
If his feet could just scrape the ground hard enough
He’s tryna hold up this image
Tryna keep it picture perfect
But I wish that he would realize
Even the “Mona Lisa” had her flaws
And you can guarantee van Gogh missed a few stars
he can’t walk on water
but some times…
I wish that I could
then maybe I would finally be able to get across the moat that surrounds his heart
I just want to help
If you trust me enough to confide in me
then trust me enough to cry on me
you can’t go it alone
you can’t be the only soldier standing in the middle of a war zone
and expect to win
you’re not a one man armyI’m waiting for you to realize I’m here
you don’t have to carry the world by yourself
just look over your shoulder
I’ll be here when you have no one else left
arms spread eagle
let me bare some of your burdens
intertwine your fingers with mine
and I’ll teach you how to pray
I’m ready when you are
put your heart in my hands and I promise I’ll help you carry its melody
burry it in my soul so you’ll never have to worry about it ever going cold again
give me your fears and I’ll hide them in my womb
carry them like the children you can’t father
till you’re ready for them to be birthed
ready to watched them grow into something beautiful
Or better yet,
if I could swallow you whole and hold you in my womb
so you can start life over again
I’d do it in a heart beat
hold you in my abdomen
belly swollen with you
I’d carry you in my safe space
so you’d never have to look any further than my embrace to find safety
come to me
cause if you think you can make it on two feet
I guarantee you
you could do a lot more
on 4
let me resuscitate soul
give life back to your spirit’s lungs
breathe…
me
inhale my aura
and exhale your sorrows
I could help you fill this hollow shell that is your body
help mend your wounds
if you would just let me…
in.