Lullabies

I heard them again last night.
They sung to me….
exploded me to sleep.
My deathly lullabies held me-
prisoner of my own mind,
but I’m use to this now…
Bombs,
Bullets,
and Bodies.
Coughs,
Caskets,
and Crying.
Body Bags and Flags.
7 guns firing 21 shot
I died 3 times before I woke up.
I was told that the internet would be the death of me.
Little did I know that the grim reaper was hiding in the curves
of the words that formed that status.
I swear…
I read it,
and wanted the whole damn internet to crash.
Erase the words,
erase the truth,
but truth be told you couldn’t even tell me to my face.
And despite your apologies,
you not telling me hurt more than actually knowing.
How the hell could I concentrate on competing
when I felt like I had already lost my perfect poem.
And this…
this would be our life.
Me on stages trying to avoid bad scores and biters,
while you’re trying to avoid bullets and snipers.
Heart beats beat
beat
BANG like gun shots.
and you have a war at home.
Baby if you wanted to wake up to death threats,
then you should have just told me.
I can do that from here.
You should’ve known that I would always stand behind your decisions.
Even now,
I stand behind your decisions,
but these visions keep messing with me.
Sometimes I don’t know if I’m awake,
or sleeping.
the only way to differentiate between the 2 is the screaming-
I remember the first night I woke screaming
body shaking,
sweat dripping off me like the shells from emptied clips
I choked on your last breath
and your life replayed its self over in my fears.
Heart beats beat
beat
bang.
Beat
Beat
Bang
Beat
Click Clack
BANG like assault rifles
Keep your arm steady.
No hesitations.
Ready,
aim…
My ears are ringing.
These lullabies are deafening,
but I can still hear the whispers of your “I love you’s”
so don’t worry,
this gun powder doesn’t taste so bad when it’s transferred from your lips.
I’ll stand here,
and watch the bomb burst brilliantly beneath the brown and blue surfaces of your irises.
Remember where you come from.
Remember that you have a pulse identical to mine.
Don’t ever feel alone,
I’ll be here.
I told you I’d be here.
When have I never not been here?
I understand…
You don’t want to have to struggle,
but you shouldn’t do this for the money.
You want me to be happy,
I am.
Always will be as long as we are synched by reverberating beats that dance from chest cavities.
Heart beats beat
beat
Bang!
Do you remember the first time you told me you loved?
Bang!
The first time that you kissed me?
Bang!
The first time that you touched me?
Bang!
What about the first time that you left me?
BANG!
Heart beats beat
beat
Bang!
That night you needed me to hold you?
Bang!
The first time you came to me crying over her?
Bang!
What about the first time that you’ll have to look into the eyes of a child the same age that our son should’ve have been and…
Heart beats beat
beat
bang.
Beat
Beat
Bang
Beat
Click Clack
sing like piano keys.
There are symphonies that I have hidden for you in every letter of every word that I have ever written on blank sheets of our past memories,
all you have to do is listen.
I heard them again last night,
did you?