A Seedless Mourning

Did you want a son so much that you would be willing to dim the stars in my eyes?
Crack the crescent moon of my smile.
And I’ve been asked why I cry when I watch the sun rise,
and I tell them that the Sun taunts me daily.
It is a constant reminder of how big of a disappointment I am to you.
My father’s most successful failure.
Did you dream in baseball bats and footballs,
instead of Barbie’s, EasyBake Ovens, and training bras?
Did you wish for someone to play basketball games with?
And if that is indeed the case then tell me,
if I were to miraculously grow balls
would I be able to rebound my way back into the hoop of your heart?
On your sidelines
I have waited…
wasted countless sheets.
Prematurely ejaculating ink spills from these pen tips.
What more has to be done?
What are you waiting for?
They say hell hath no fury….
So I set fire to my veins,
made my wrist smile at me the way you forgot to.
Unlike your love,
they made me feel something.
Sweltering in the shade of a shadow
that I was never deemed fit enough to follow in sits my youth.
A burning ocean casted behind my back.
Drown with me…
because soon the ashes will get caught on the shores of your receding hairline,
be found streaked through you beard.
Will you love me then?
When time has beaten bruises into the lifeline of our relationship,
deep purples and blacks
Ain’t it funny how even my favorite colors reflect my pain?
Look at me.
Daddy everyone can see the scares that you have left.
Etched in exquisite varnish;
mapped out across my essence.
It doesn’t take the mathematical genius
that unlike you I failed to be
to realize that this doesn’t add up.
So if you could please just break down the equation of you discontent to me
I promise next time I’ll do my homework.
Just tell me…
Was it the wrecks?
The cell phone bills?
The boys?
The rapes that I never told you about?
The pills?
The lies?
I know that taking care of me is more than just a full time job,
but tell me when did you resign from being my hero?
Left me with no pension.
Ever since these hips have spread
so many applicants compete to see how many positions they can bend me in.
My attraction to older men was inevitable.
Though you have supported me financially,
your lack of affection outweighs your monetary contributions,
I would pay it all back if I could just at least once hear you call me beautiful.
They say cracked mirrors often distort perceptions
but even though I have crevices cratered throughout my exterior
I believe you see me clearly.
So does your own reflection in me scare you?
Or do I remind you too much of her?
Because she says I remind her too much of you?
Split between two polar opposites
My survival is ambidextrous.
Do you hate that I find beauty in us both?
Did you hate her for not birthing you a blazing sunrise?
Come morning,
there will be no more yesterdays.
Dawn will break,
and hopefully you will realize that ball of burning gas will never be a tangible reality
will never be as solid as I am,
will never be as rightfully here as I am
waiting for dusk.
Because come sunset,
I will eclipse myself.
I will never fall,
so there will be no more morning
no mourning.
Now tell me…
how does it feel being left in the dark?
It’s cold…
isn’t it?