Question, Love...

If you’re asking me if I love you,
I don’t.
If you’re asking me if I’m in love with you,
I’m not…
You are embedded into me.
Your face is permanently engraved into my soul,
I’m surprised you can’t see our history replaying its self in my eyes
every time we exchange glances across galaxies…
but I don’t quite understand you.
Don’t understand what more I have to say.
How many more times do I have to cut open my heart for you?
How many more times do I have to die on this paper for you?
I’m pissed!
But it doesn’t matter…
because I know I will continue to cut open my metaphors
and let them bleed similes
just so I can have a chance for you to smile at me.
I’ll bleed my life out through this ink
and get buried closed pen cap casketed
and be happy just as long as I never have to hear
the beat your heart makes when you’re angry.
Or see the drop in the corner of your eyes
when you are fighting the urge to cry.
And I know this is about to sound cliché
but I love you so much,
that I hate the fact that I’m in love with you.
Boy you can make me do some real corny shit for you!
But I’ll be damned if I cry for you….
again.
Not because I won’t,
just because my rivers have run dry.
Why can’t you understand?
Even now as I sit here watching you do what you do,
I’m happy,
you’re happy…
Though I’m sitting on your sidelines.
I’ll continue to be you’re number one fan
even if you ain’t my man no mo…
but it’ll be a cold day in hell
before I let you question how I feel about you
compared to any other dude.
I’ve answered these questions before.
The answers have not changed
despite if yours remain the same or not.
I know you wonder why
sometimes it’s hard for me to look you in the face.
Trust it has nothing to do with guilt,
it’s just it hurts like hell to look into the face of a future
that I will never get a chance to make.
It hurts too much to see how you doubt my feelings for you.
Your killing me blissfully.
It hurts to say I love you
because the words will never be strong enough.
I could search all human language
and still never find words worthy enough to describe you,
or the way you make me feel with just a simple touch…
But I won’t keep standing here waiting for you to come back to me.
You say you love me,
but I can’t figure out if this is a true lie…
or a false truth,
because the things you do leave stab wounds
covered by your first aid kisses.
Maybe you don’t…
or maybe you just forgot.
I’m not going to stay waiting,
watching you walk away from me.
I’d rather turn with what little dignity I have left
and walk in the opposite direction.
If you want me,
then it’s your turn to come get me.
Don’t ask me if I love you,
when you know that I don’t.
And don’t ask me it I’m in love with you,
when you know that I’m not.
My roots run deeper than these seeds.
Ask me if you can join me on this journey.
Yes, it’s hard for me to walk away from you,
and sometimes I might stumble,
but I’ll keep pushing.
Waiting for you to ask me the right question.