May 5th (Birthday)

He sings to me sometimes…
and I’ll remember him like labor pains,
2 fingers pressed between pelvis and thigh,
you use to sit here.
Just outside of healthy,
but you followed mommy’s foot steps,
became a pipeline dreamer like your father.
I guess you got stuck in the plumbing,
and I told myself that I wasn’t ready to be a mother anyway.
Made excuses not to mourn you.
Told myself to listen to my doctor,
there was nothing that could be done,
I would die if I kept you.
Thought maybe one day you’d come back to me.
Avoided thought’s like maybe I didn’t deserve you,
I’m not fit to be a mommy
all this is my fault.
Pills silenced the dreams,
but not you voice.
And as I thought about rising razor to wrist
Sunday school lessons still play themselves over in my head
“He‘s got the whole world, in his hands.
He‘s got the whole world, in his hands.”
Then why the fuck do people tell me not to blame Him?
My knees had never been so red in my life,
I begged Him to keep you…
more than the night I begged Him to keep your father,
and just as much,
if not more than the night I begged Him to keep my own life.
See I think He’s playing with me.
I had nightmares about being sterile
due to the 2 assaults on womb
that spread my hips as wide as they spread my virgin lips…
The last time felt like I was on fire.
They told me only had a 75% chance for reproduction.
So I guess He sent me you as a way of telling me it was possible,
just to turn around and snatch you from me.
Funny how we’ve made so many medical advances but still haven’t found a way to save a tubal pregnancy.
I wanted you.
And I hope you heard me talking to you every night.
I swear I have never felt so empty.
I swear I have never felt so helpless…
Laying on table,
I would have traded my life for yours,
I tried to trade my life for yours.
I thought I could wait it out.
Thought that maybe if I just kept talking to you
you’d hear me,
push yourself down to where you needed to be,
but I guess your ears hadn’t quite developed yet.
I was knocking on deaths door,
one week before rupture.
I’ve never felt so alone,
I know he’s sorry,
but I still haven’t forgiven your father for not being there.
He should have been there,
my hand was as empty as my womb would soon be.
I still can barely look him in his face without seeing yours in it’s shadows.
I know he loves me.
I love you,
sleep easy.
My son,
you would’ve been my Sun.
No you would have lite a light in my life so bright
that ball of burning atmospheric gas would have dimmed in embarrassment
My son,
my soul...
keep singing,
I hear you.
I guess I needed a guardian angel,
and who better to fit the job description than you?
Yeah, I’ll remember…
Carry you in my walk so that you can help me find peace.
You see he sings to me sometimes,
and I sing back as he wipes my tears…
I hold him.
Between pelvis and thigh,
he sits here…
and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

A Toast...For You

So how long are you going to hold it?
Keep acting like they don’t exist?
Knocking ‘em back like that…
Unspoken words burn backs of throats like shots of alcohol,
so I hope you can hold your liquor.
Keep dancing around your thoughts,
but you can’t run from you forever.
I never took you for the alcoholic type anyway.
So if you don’t mind…
can you please stop tongue kissing the bottle.
Silence doesn’t suit you.
Blessed with the ability to perform lyrical gymnastics.
Every time you try and speak after swallowing your words I can hear the sounds of the vocal holocaust trapped inside your trachea.
New age Hitler,
it’s ok to be human sometimes.
What is it that you’re not saying?
Or did you leave these thoughts in between the parentheses legs made that night parked behind bushes?
Did you think I didn’t know?
Did you confuse your muse?
Keep sipping you silence,
maybe the taste will grow better over time…
Perched on top of your vocal chords are fermented testimonies that you soul never got a chance to make.
You should stop prepping you mind for battle,
your heart has been through too much already.
And you of all people should know best that a warrior that has nothing else to lose,
will gain everything by winning.
Those beats have never been that quite so stop trying to silence the music.
I’m not saying make a public service announcement,
but I mean c’mon son…
I thought we we’re better than that?
You can tell me anything you need to.
Who are you to decide for me what is relevant,
or not?
I recalled you telling me we could tell each other anything
Maybe I heard incorrectly…
Or maybe you’re upset that I chased your shadow when I could no longer find your stature by my side.
6 ft golden brown body,
I never thought I’d see this king fall.
I’ve tried to help you,
but you’re like sand gripped in tight fist.
Keep running,
pushing me away.
I promise you will succeed in your efforts.
Maybe that’s what you want.
Secrets kill souls.
so speak now or forever hold your Rest In Peace.
Maybe some things are best meant to stay unsaid…
So swallow,
let your words carve hieroglyphics into your esophagus,
leave them there until the next archeological metaphor finds them
and pushes them into your frontal lobe.
Maybe then silence won’t be so golden to you.
I know your throat is burning,
I can see signs of inebriation,
are your drunk yet?
I warned you to stop kissing that bottle.
Now it’s too late,
your next round of shots are waiting,
and who are you to refuse?
We’re too far of into this drinking game for you to forfeit,
so here’s a toast to you.
Cheers…

I Am

I am…..
Toxic
Poison
Venomous
Deadly
Woman
I…
am Woman.
My touch is toxic.
Everything I hold between these hands is instantly my entity.
My hands have meticulously inspected each grain of sand that
Father Time fucked Mother Nature on
so now they know exactly how a super nova feels
when suspended between natural explosions.
These palms preliminarily produce predominately progressive prophecies.
They know the secrets of secrets
mastered the art of being mysterious,
sensual,
powerful
encrypted and gifted,
toxic and oh so talented.
though deadly
My pulse is poisonous.
Life’s elixirs flow through vessels that braid into patterns underneath this exterior.
Veins be hungry so I feed them ink,
and let it bleed into pulmonary arteries.
I carry stories in these elixirs.
Poison has never tasted this lovely.
My vernacular is venomous.
My tongue will leave you stunned.
Standing in awe of how beautifully you’ve just been ear fucked.
Eardrum cumin poetic scriptures into your cerebral
I’ll leave you so addicted
to what my bic did
that you’re forced to perform silent soliloquies on lonely nights
when I can’t be found wreaking microphones.
Trust me,
these fangs wound deeply
so be easy…..
I walk with purpose
wife of Earth,
widowed before father time saw fit…
which makes the moon my bastard
these stars are my grandchildren
disowned by Sun.
rivers are jealous of me
“Their children sing the blues”
“I am weaving a song of water”
And oh what a tangled web I weave.
Intertwining history with pieces of hearts and souls lost
I watched me…
made into a martyr before my own eyes.
I didn’t choose it,
but for now I’ll accept it
carry broken on belly,
hands drenched in the blood of souls.
Red as love lost that leaks from these branches.
Damn it I hate this,
I mean made this,
I’m blameless
nameless
faceless
so face this.
I am
a constant reminder of the woman I came from.
Powerful,
and deadly.
I was born from this.
It courses through my being
like my soul was made of ether
spirit on fire,
pupils made into nitrogen bombs,
it’s so easy for me to give you death stares isn’t it?
My tears are corrosive,
they have the power to eat through any hard exterior you my present to me.
I am all of these things.
Destined to become
since the day her teeth pierced through ripe skin
though I was never really that found of apples…
I will wipe this juice from full lips.
I’ve learned how to live with me.
So beware of the things you can’t understand
let alone control.
The chrysalis phase is over,
I bare wings lined with razor blades
I emerged from the flames of my own rage.
Choked on the feathers I plucked from my own wings.
I grew to be this
Venomous Vixen
Poison Princes
Toxic Temptress
deadly and beautiful
I am.

Lullabies

I heard them again last night.
They sung to me….
exploded me to sleep.
My deathly lullabies held me-
prisoner of my own mind,
but I’m use to this now…
Bombs,
Bullets,
and Bodies.
Coughs,
Caskets,
and Crying.
Body Bags and Flags.
7 guns firing 21 shot
I died 3 times before I woke up.
I was told that the internet would be the death of me.
Little did I know that the grim reaper was hiding in the curves
of the words that formed that status.
I swear…
I read it,
and wanted the whole damn internet to crash.
Erase the words,
erase the truth,
but truth be told you couldn’t even tell me to my face.
And despite your apologies,
you not telling me hurt more than actually knowing.
How the hell could I concentrate on competing
when I felt like I had already lost my perfect poem.
And this…
this would be our life.
Me on stages trying to avoid bad scores and biters,
while you’re trying to avoid bullets and snipers.
Heart beats beat
beat
BANG like gun shots.
and you have a war at home.
Baby if you wanted to wake up to death threats,
then you should have just told me.
I can do that from here.
You should’ve known that I would always stand behind your decisions.
Even now,
I stand behind your decisions,
but these visions keep messing with me.
Sometimes I don’t know if I’m awake,
or sleeping.
the only way to differentiate between the 2 is the screaming-
I remember the first night I woke screaming
body shaking,
sweat dripping off me like the shells from emptied clips
I choked on your last breath
and your life replayed its self over in my fears.
Heart beats beat
beat
bang.
Beat
Beat
Bang
Beat
Click Clack
BANG like assault rifles
Keep your arm steady.
No hesitations.
Ready,
aim…
My ears are ringing.
These lullabies are deafening,
but I can still hear the whispers of your “I love you’s”
so don’t worry,
this gun powder doesn’t taste so bad when it’s transferred from your lips.
I’ll stand here,
and watch the bomb burst brilliantly beneath the brown and blue surfaces of your irises.
Remember where you come from.
Remember that you have a pulse identical to mine.
Don’t ever feel alone,
I’ll be here.
I told you I’d be here.
When have I never not been here?
I understand…
You don’t want to have to struggle,
but you shouldn’t do this for the money.
You want me to be happy,
I am.
Always will be as long as we are synched by reverberating beats that dance from chest cavities.
Heart beats beat
beat
Bang!
Do you remember the first time you told me you loved?
Bang!
The first time that you kissed me?
Bang!
The first time that you touched me?
Bang!
What about the first time that you left me?
BANG!
Heart beats beat
beat
Bang!
That night you needed me to hold you?
Bang!
The first time you came to me crying over her?
Bang!
What about the first time that you’ll have to look into the eyes of a child the same age that our son should’ve have been and…
Heart beats beat
beat
bang.
Beat
Beat
Bang
Beat
Click Clack
sing like piano keys.
There are symphonies that I have hidden for you in every letter of every word that I have ever written on blank sheets of our past memories,
all you have to do is listen.
I heard them again last night,
did you?

Walk

He said
“Ay Yo Shay…Why you walk like that?”
and I paused…..
Back straight,
shoulders lowered and back.
I walk like…..
I walk like I can’t be broken though my cracks are clearly visible
to anyone who dares to look close enough.
Intertwining to weave my history into my skin…
Run your fingers down my forearms,
see if you can feel my sacrifices.
Linger at my wrist and you’ll find scares that resemble those of He
who was nailed and hung from parallel trees.
I’ve been crucified
multiple times,
just in different formations…
Age 18,
arms cuffed behind back.
Faced pushed against hood.
Penalized because the melanin in my skin made me fit the description of guilty.
My skin tone mimics molasses,
which must mean my fingers are sticky.
Age 15,
body pressed against his living room wall.
Right arm locked behind my back.
Left arm pinned to my side by wall,
and his body weight.
Hair gripped tight in fingers.
Head yanked back,
he said that he’d be damned if I left him…
and then he told me he loved me.
Age 8,
body sprawled on concrete.
Arms bound at wrist and held over my head.
Legs spread wide like an upside down crucifix
to unwillingly welcome snakes into my garden of Eden.
And then after he was done,
I was left behind.
Discarded as carelessly as the rag he used to wipe himself off with.
I can still picture it clearly on the floor…
tattered and bloody,
worn and covered in his viscid explosion.
The mirror reflection of my hymen.
“Ay yo Shay, why you stand like that?”
A pillar of defiance,
I stand so I can be knocked down.
Broken,
and rebuilt
so mold me.
Transform me into everything they told me I could never equal up to.
But please,
leave Me pieces of yester Self so I be reminded
that She was always beautiful.
I was worthy…
once.
Before,
I use to walk like I held God’s envy in my womb.
Before,
I use to love Me
who was in love with Self.
But Self broke Me’s heart too many times,
and I couldn’t pick up the pieces
so now I’m choking on pieces of potential self acceptance.
He asked me,
“Ay yo Shay, Why you walk like that?
Always gotta stand off to the side like that,
like you to good to look at people?”
But looking at people makes cracks visible,
and the thing about cracks is…
they have a tendency to be contagious.
So I try to keep mine to myself,
‘cause under pressure,
they stretch,
then they might reach yours,
and the pain gets transferred.
Then your cracks grow longer and branch out,
then those branches spread like trees,
and then everybody ends up broken…
like me.
Looking at people,
usually leads to eye contact,
and eyes are the windows to the soul,
and souls tend to be reflective,
and it should be clear by now…
I don’t really like looking at myself.
So I walk like my feet are tectonic plates.
Slow…but with purpose.
Feet sometimes brushing against each other,
that’s why I stand like mountains.
He kept asking,
and I finally answered.
I walk,
back straight.
Shoulders lowered,
with the bible tattooed on my spine,
and Lucifer’s sin sitting in the dip where my ass meets my back
so that with every step I take,
Hell quakes under me.
An angel walking through a fire pit with scorched wings.
I pulled my own feathers out my back burning
just so I could write the sky a lullaby in the form of lightning…
thunder mimicking my heartbeat.
I walk to set an example.
I walk,
because my grandmother
and mother had to.
I walk,
simply to remind myself…
I still know how to.

Mindtrip

Sitting…
Reminiscing on how good it use to feel when I would remember
how to forget.
Running fingers through my hair,
trying to retrace my roots as if I could find my ancestors ashes in my dandruff…
I never did like washing my hair.
I always thought that each strand that fell
was just another unused opportunity to find where I come from,
so I forgot my name.
Took to trying on the glass slippers of others,
but I found out all too soon that fairytales…
weren’t meant for little girls like me.
Split between 2 families,
2 wars,
and I guess 4 inch glass stilettos would make it a little hard for G.I. Joe to stand his ground in,
so I was given my father’s combat boots.
I was taught how to march in them,
but one day I couldn’t remember how to lace them up.
Barefoot and broken I ran back into who I forgot I was.
Have you ever witnessed a butterfly
fling it’s self into a bolt of lightning like a Buddhist monk self immolating?
I was always something like a pyro.
Amazed by the flame,
and obsessed with the burn.
I torched my memories and set fire to my veins.
Black is suppose to be beautiful,
but I wonder if my ancestors could see beauty in their hung loved ones with scorched skin.
swinging from the necks of trees,
old school Jesus pieces.
I wonder if they could remember the smell.
Sitting,
barricaded by broken I remembered…
went back to the day I saw life in brown skin.
The day the beat was given back to the music box hidden under my left breast
I tripped into love with ice.
Fell,
and couldn’t remember what standing felt like,
so I forgot my affair with the flame.
Damn if the cold didn’t feel good sometimes….
and sometimes,
I would stay low and pray for the rain
just so I could run against the clouds and maybe mistake my tears for raindrops…
Numb myself enough so that I could break this bloodline between us without hemorrhaging.
Till I saw the sunrise in your smile
and felt the blaze in your touch.
I.
Forgot.
My name.
My ideological foundation cracked beneath me.
I found myself free-falling through galaxies,
so I renamed myself Halley,
Comet,
‘cause just like he,
she,
it,
I challenged the Sun’s beauty.
but only in the darkness…
In the daylight,
I would lose luminosity and just blend in.
Maybe that’s why I would always cry come morning,
afraid that my son wouldn’t rise right.
So while reminiscing on how good it use to feel when I would remember how beautiful forgetting felt,
I forgot.
Got lost inside my hair
with my roots wrapped ‘round my throat
like my ancestors’ way of screaming remember me.
I choked on their ashes and I remembered the dirt and bone I came from.
Remembered the war,
the fight.
Remembered the first night I forgot.
Remembered the flame
the smell,
I finally remembered-
my name.

Thy Kingdom Come

We were bred to be kings.
Murmured from lips the moment our heads are first freed from womb,
why do you think they call it crowning?
Our kingdoms are hidden in the beats that dance from Adam’s piano keys,
I am royalty…
I’ve constructed castles out of the sand I stole from Time’s hour glass
just so I would always have a safe place to keep my memories.
I’ve used the petals that fell from the rose in my chest like bricks.
Designing dynasties and hiding them sporadically in overlooked beauty.
My lost Atlantis,
They were not ready for you
so I hide you in the ocean above me,
formed the clouds to fit you.
The sky is my canvas
and I dare anyone to try and take it from me.
We are kings.
Even when our crowns are in pieces
you should still walk like royalty.
Learn how to carry broken on your shoulders,
a reminder of where you come from.
Sister,
though your crown may not be acknowledged
it doesn’t mean that it is non-existent.
Let no one tell you that you were not bred from diamonds.
You should only come second to God.
Get closer to God.
And don’t be afraid to let your rivers flow from your oasis,
cause you will never be stronger than when your weaknesses are exposed.
Listen,
because you have not been blessed with no greater gift
than the ability to hear beauty in simplicity.
See me,
I am everything lost.
Pieced together with the pieces that I have found
left from those who have come before me.
Trust,
I’ve been fucked by broken,
I know how it feels to feel hallow.
We can rebuild each other,
and re-shine crowns.
Now brother,
why do you deny your thrown.
This is where life begins
You are Adam…
you hold music in your chest that escapes from that missing piece.
You are king.
So act like one.
Even when you are not treated as such,
we are sorry.
But you built to walk up-right.
Powerful like thunder,
this storm will be over soon.
Brother,
you are beauty in it’s purest form.
Life is built on your foundations,
so lay a good one.
Don’t worry about old cracks
they make plaster for that.
If the world was not meant for you to carry alone
then that bone would’ve never been broken in the first place.
We are kings.
Even when sleeping in garbage
we are still garnished.
This world is our dying dynasty,
and too many of you have discarded your crowns
but I’m here to give them back to you.
Only if you want them,
we were bred this way so accept it.
King,
your thrown…
is waiting.