Emonie

I had a conversation with my baby the other day
I caught a glimpse of her on my way past my mirror
And she asked me,

mommy, why did you get rid of me
I know I was conceived in your misconception of what love was
But how could you just give up on me so easily,
You never even gave me the chance to prove I was worth giving birth to
Didn’t your mother ever teach you patience is a virtue?

And I said baby, your father would’ve never wanted you
He would have tried to beat you out of me
And I rather you die by my hand
Than by the fist of the man your suppose to call daddy
Try to understand me
I could never take care of you
I can’t even take care of myself
I’m only 17
And I couldn’t afford for you to defer my dreams

But mommy you didn’t have to willingly choose to miscarry me
I could have taught you how to take care of me,
how to hold me,
how to love me
and now you’ll never have the luxury of hearing my laughter
my first words
or the sounds of my first steps
do you even have any regrets?

Yes, you were suppose to be my angel,
I was suppose to cradle you in the pieces of my broken halo
You were my redemption
My second chance to prove I was worth giving birth to
You just came too soon for me
You scared me
I swear I felt you move before I ever knew you existed in my womb
I dreamed about you before you were ever conceived

Then why would you defer my dreams to breathe
All I ever wanted was to feel my mother’s touch

All I ever wanted was to feel my daughter’s touch
You don’t know how much I want you to just wake up

You don’t know how much I just wanted you to wake up and realize I was worth it

Baby nobody’s perfect, I make mistakes and I’m sorry that you have to learn that this way, but trust me I loved you

How could you love me, you never gave birth to me, you never cried for me, never got the chance to meet me, don’t lie to me

I’m not lying, and I tried crying but I never thought my tears were suitable enough for you I’m dying for you to forgive me

Well I’m already dead and my heart has turned as cold as my skin, instead of the forgiveness you seek it’s my havoc I reek, you see I’m the period that always comes at the wrong time, I’m the tears you shed in the middle of the night, I’m what cause your spirit and your soul to fight, it’s me

But my baby, why do you insist on torturing me, why can’t you just forgive me, how can I prove to you that I’m sorry, I’m tired of your face taunting me on the surface of the moon, and I swear your tears get heavier every time you let your pain rain down on me, baby you’re drowning me, and I can’t seem to catch my breath

I never caught mine either, but unlike you I will give you a chance to breathe, just as long as you never forget me

Just as long as you forgive me

Deal. But mommy, I just want to know, what would you have named me

And I told her Emonie

Gun Shots

Cause they scores feel like gun shots
5.8, 5.9, SHOT, 6.0, 6.1, SHOT, 6.2, 6.3, SHOT, 6.4, 6. Gun Shot
Raise your score boards
let the corrosive acid that spits from that maker eat at her till her soul bleeds rivers of blue ink
the same shade her pen bleed the day she wrote her first slam piece
but she, doesn't want to slam any more
cause through your felt markers she has felt you mark her down to nothing more but a mere number
she leaves her life on stages
and gives her soul to complete strangers
blessing them with the privilege of thinking they are superior enough to judge her
and you
degrade her
making her feel like her words ain't worth a pot for you to piss in
like her words ain't worth the time it took for you to listen to what the fuck she was saying
like her words ain't worth jack squat
every time she hears your gun shots
6.5, 6.6, SHOT, 6.7, 6.8, SHOT, 6.9, 7.0, SHOT, 7.1, 7. Gun Shot
But she,
I mean I
don't give a fuck about the score no mo
don't give a fuck about the judges no mo
cause you mother fuckers can go suck on the BIC I wrote this poem with
I am the epitome of my own damn epiphany
and I don't need you judging me
so go ahead
give me a low score
and I'll tell you EXACTLY where you can put that damn board
cause you have not swam through the currents I've swam through
haven't even seen some of the things I've had to live through
I have nothing to prove to you
I now know my own self worth and it's way more than any damn 2 figure score you could give me
And I know this poem ain't exactly what you wanna hear but it's exactly what needs to be said
Cause you can believe what I'm spitting has been in every poets head at least once
And I know few poets have said what I've said and lived to slam another day
But I am no longer afraid
So I'm a go ahead and take this hold your tongue condom off cause I don't need it's protection anymore
I'm a get in this shit raw
So go ahead and try to fuck me
but I've already been train raped by your scores
and I refuse to remain your poetry whore
see I don't do this cause it's cute
I do this cause it's my stress relief despite how brief it is
I do it so I can help somebody who thought they where alone
realize they aren't they only one standing in the middle of a war zone.
I do this so I can make that one picked on out cast realize he ain't got to blow up that school,
all he got to do is pick up a pencil.
I do this so that little girl realizes that though somebody has laid their hands on her inappropriately I understand, I know how it feels to have somebody groping me in the middle of the night and though it hurts right now baby girl it'll be alright.
I do this so that one suicidal teen realizes that he ain't got to go that route,
and there's a better way out trust me
look at me and realize that I've been there
our scars
match
perfectly
I do this for everyone that some how reminds me of me
And the only one that can ever really judge me besides He,
is me
so now when your shots ring out freely all they'll sound like to me is
7.2, 7.1,
10
6.0, 6.9,
10
6.8, 6.7,
10
6.6, 6.5,
10

She Never Deserved You

She never deserved you.
Truth be told the bitch never deserved to even look at you,
she was never women enough for you
hadn't yet learned how to grow the fuck up.
Still playing little girl elementary school mind games
thinking that you were the same as all these
other lame brain ass little boys.
But you're not,
you never were.
All you were tryna do was treat her like the Queen that she could never be
cause she doesn't know how.
She could never define the word
cause she was use to all these
playa type niggas that was only interested in doing her wrong
so of course when you came along she didn't know what to do with you.
She was confused
and she only knew how to play you the way she'd been played
so at night,
I prayed for you.
In the hopes that He would help you see clearly.
But I guess it's true that love is blind
cause despite the signs,
you stayed with her…
But I was always right here.
Waiting for you to look back and see me standing here
I was the one that held you when she couldn't find the time
And when she lied to you and hurt you
you were on my phone line
It was me,
it was always me crying when you couldn't
Letting me eyes leak so yours wouldn't have to
Apologizing for her wrong
Apologizing for shit that I knew I would never do to you
I was the one,
It was me,
Shay.
It was always me opening my arms to you.
Cutting opening my heart for you so you could sleep inside it,
lay your head on it's soft bruises.
And if you asked me to
I would bleed for you .
Bleeding the ink from my pens until the wells of my mind ran dry for you
If you needed me,
I was there for you…
And you did the same for me,
when I need you
you came to me
comforted me.
But it was only…
momentary
Cause you,
would always go back to her
Even after her 1st offense
Her 2nd offense
Her 3rd
4th through 12th offense
You loved her
And I don't even know her
but I hate her.
It's like you were addicted to her punishment,
her lies entangled you until you became intangible to me.
She kept you from me when you were mere inches away from me
she kept you from me even when you were dying to
feel me
hug me,
touch me,
kiss me…
But now it's seems like my prayers were answered
cause she's out of the picture.
She's fixed her lips to spew lies to you for the last time
But I…
am still on the side lines…
and it's killing me watching you hurt
killing me knowing that I can't comfort you.
I miss you,
wish that you were here
wish that you would let me treat you the way you need to be
wish that you would just let me in.
I'm dying to love you,
waiting for you to realize that I'm still here
And I'm never
going
no where.

China Doll

She collects them,
Has them scattered across her room as if they were a porcelain comforter
They comfort her
Their painted on faces never seem to judge her
So she confides secrets to them even her children will never know cause she will never remember
Her china dolls help her go on trips to far away lands that she can't even afford to dream about
And she loves them for that
Each one introduces her to a new culture as she imagines what its life would be like
She wishes she was more like them
Young like them
Beautiful like them
But most of all
Immortal like them
You see she's afraid of dying
But she's more like them than she thinks she is
She's fragile
As if she was made from the same valuable glass they were
She sees herself as broken
And her reflection only makes glass melt and leak from the windows to her soul like rain
She wishes she was young again
But this old girls been around the block
Been dropped too many times and the glue that is her sanctity is no longer strong enough to hold her together
You see she's tried talking to Him
but all she can manage to say is "Help Me"
cause she doesn't remember how to pray
maybe that's why it seems like He's always too busy to answer her
why it seems like He's always punishing her
Taking from her things that she always held so dear
She doesn't even recognize herself when she looks in the mirror
The first thing she lost was the sight in her left eye
As if it became a bleached stained glass window
Clouded with her faded memories that would seem to just get cloudier over time
Cause the next thing He took from her was her mind
Shooting holes into her most precious memories
Till it was hard for her to recognize her daughter's smile
Her son's eyes
Her granddaughter's complexion
All the things that she gave both generations
But she remembers her dolls
She holds on to them because they are the only thing that keeps her from connect to this world that she's slowly slipping away from
She doesn't want to die
She's afraid of even going to sleep
Haunted by her dreams of being trapped in the very same bed she lays her head in
But she amazes me
She stronger than she gives herself credit for
Cause she's held on longer than what was expected of her
Gripping her life so tight between her hands that her fingers go as numb as she feels when she looks into the stranger they call her husband's eyes
I wish I could give her back everything she's lost
Taking on to me everything that plagues her
And maybe I can be as blessed as to have as much strength as her
As much courage as her
Cause though she is afraid
She's never given in and she's never given up
She's accepted fate but she has never let it defeat hershe's a soldier
Fighting a war with no weapon other than her will to live
An Earth bound Angel
And I see beauty in her even when she fails to see it in herself
Cause she makes me want to hold on when I have nothing at all
She is and forever will be
my China Doll

A Poet's Last Stand

I am a poet.
But sometimes I wish…
That I wasn't
My words can't keep me warm at night and despite how many I write my poems will never be able to turn into the currency I need to survive
It's like you fall further in dept the longer you stay alive
So what's the point of living
of creating poetry when there are no job openings for word tacticians
No one really cares to hear the song of a poet beat through the rhythm of their words,
I need money,
Not poetry or reflection
Cause poetry don't pay bills
And reflection is only good when used to remember which creditor you need to strike deals with just to keep food on the table
I change lives on this stage by speaking to souls solemnly seeking to be saved
But yet it's your psychiatrist you pay to sit in silence
Ain't that ironic
You rather feed the silence and allow it burn, and starve the truth,
The solution,
I mean the poet, cause face it
Though I may be speaking to you in a manner that touches your soul
You would much rather spend your money on Lil' Wayne's Cd than one featuring me
This ritual is old, cause if I had dollar for every time some one comes up and tells me
"I love your work"
but yet my chap book remains unsold then I would have enough to feed every starving third world country including the one that exists in my home
And I know my dreams don't pay the light bills but
If I had a giant for every broke poet in the world then i would have an army big enough to put an end to activity in all war zones, return soldiers to their homes, and give the billions of dollars wasted on so called peace wars to every poet that has been denied a job because they were not able to hold their tongue, every poet who doesn't get the fame of people who get paid for making songs about girls with "donk"
every poet who's had his light's turned off
Cause poetry just ain't currency
But it should be
Cause I've heard poems that can make you see God quicker than any green piece of paper with His name on it
I rather pay a poet for doing something that frees his soul then pay to have something made to contain him
And they say a mind is a horrible thing to waste
But you tell me you how a poet can get his word out if bars are covering his face
And the people telling him to speak are the same ones that put his noose in place
Cause sometimes even poets won't support poets
Unless you giving it to them for free
And it's funny to me
Though we are all connected by this strange thing called poetry
Secretly, we want each other to fail,
just so we can succeed in getting our own hands green
we are all paper pushers
we all wish we were able to push paper into our pockets by the means of pushing words on to paper
See, I leave my life on stages
And I realize now that I get paid every time my feet grace a stage
My job is to breath realization into color blind minds
Through the colorful pictures I paint on to empty lines
And your job is to pay me with your attention
Your love and your affection
Cause if I can get just one genuine Thank You
Letting me know that I touched at least one of you
Then you've paid me enough

Nigga Please

I hear you…
and your voice ricochets of the walls of my mind
"Ay yo shawty, you need to be with a nigga like me"
and it's funny
cause I hear this line all time
constantly referring to yourself as a nigga so
Nigga please
not in good game are you attempting to step to me
cause a nigga like you could never in God's grace attempt to even be on my level
Cause niggas idolize gangsters greatly avoiding the truth,
escaping reality,
worshiping colors more than the women that deserves it most,
your mother
The women that gave birth to you and willing gave up her figure…
just so you can call yourself a…
NIGGA?
Nigga please!
And dropping the e-r don't make it no better
you see we've used this terminology
so loosely that we even have Mexicans calling each other nigga too,
Oh naw boo boo,
maybe I missed the memo that said changing nigger
to nigga
Changes it's definition and is no longer an insult
but in reality
we've been brainwashed into thinking that calling each other ignorant,
Is cool …
but if you notice it's only minorities that have been played the fool
cause we have it stuck in our minds that to fit in
you have to invest in
every pair of shoes that come out every other weekend,
Cause you can't be caught dead wearing the same pair of shoes in a week,
and you know every true nigga needs a main freak,
but always keep backup,
and backups for your backups,
Cause you can only be measured by how much of a nigga you are
by what grows between your legs,
and by how many females you can make spread
leaving them tainted,
trashed
and tarnished
spiritually,
mentally,
and sometimes even physically
Cause every nigga knows how to beat it up,
but see that's where ya'll are fucked up
Cause trust karma's a bitch,
and a bigger one than any woman you've ever called one,
cause just like you doggin' her,
believe somebody's gonna dog your daughter,
or cousin,
or your niece,
or maybe even your baby sista,
MAN UP NIGGA,
And look at the legacy you are leaving,
have you realized why niggas love saggin'?
Maybe it's because if you reverse the letters the 2 words are 1 in the same,
and this,
this is the image you are burning into baby boy brains,
Literally…
cause they watch you lit
and puff…
puff…
blow…
Exhaling your so called problems they're too young to know,
or you say they're too young to understand
But they will when they finally grow up and be a man
but how can they if you never have
and your just stuck being a nigga,
Nigga…

If I Could

She asks me…
why am I not pretty…
like you…
And the question lingers as if her smile is fading…
Londa if I could
I would let the answers to you questions roll of my tongue
just so your days would be so bright the sun would be envious of you,
I would return the rhythm that was stolen from you
so the song that beats inside that broken music box you hold in your chest could finish itself, lil' sister
if I could…
I'd help,
but your questions complexity confuses me
cause baby sister
I don't know why these boys think you're not pretty,
I don't know why you are not able to catch the attention of these boys
who seem to always catch yours,
I don't know why your attempts go unnoticed
and never lures their eyes to you
but I do know you're beautiful
your talents are remarkable,
your heart is ineffaceable,
and your strength is untouchable,
baby sister
like me,
your perfectly…
imperfect
and I would willingly give up my soul
and put my life in the Lord's hands for you cause I know that you're worth it,
you are the last angel to ever fall from Heavens skies
and I know their missing you,
your deserve the world and so much more
and I wish I could give it to you
but I can't,
I can't make these boys see beauty,
I can't make them realize what's in front of them
when they are constantly condemning themselves to chase after the "perfect woman",
constantly condemning themselves to find out there is no such woman,
constantly condemning themselves to realize they let the good ones go,
but until they wake up
they will never know how extraordinary you are,
cause you see they chase these girls who they think is everything they want,
beautiful mind,
soul
and heart,
someone who is stunning inside…
and out,
but the ones they are running to
are not suitable cause they
are not you,
you are so much better than they could ever be,
they just don't know it yet,
they're blind,
in every sense of the word
cause they are not able to see you as you really are,
but time,
time will be their enemy cause eventually
you will develop wings and finally be able to soar,
And my sister looks at me,
and a new question crosses her face
but before she can ask
I answer,
baby sister,
I've been in your place,
pain is no stranger to me
and my eyes have rained rivers that have flooded my face too many time to count
My heart has been shattered like my bathroom mirror I always use to want to break,
I've hated my self,
or at least what I thought the mirror reflected,
and believe I have been rejected more than my fair share of times,
I have laid in my bed at night
with only my pillow to hold
and cried
myself
to sleep,
baby sister,
I've shared your pain,
I've questioned my beauty,
I have wished that I…
was not me,
wished that I could reform my body,
and wished that God…
never made me,
It seemed like I was always too dark,
to short,
to flat,
too skinny,
or not skinny enough,
they hated me,
NO
they hated my beauty,
they tried to get me to believe I was ugly so I would not be a threat to them,
they wanted me to see everything they said I lacked,
till I realized my beauty
and started
fighting
back,
they could not break me,
I…
like you,
am a Queen,
a Nubian goddess finally spreading my wings,
so baby sister
break free,
and
come
fly
away
with
me