China Doll

She collects them,
Has them scattered across her room as if they were a porcelain comforter
They comfort her
Their painted on faces never seem to judge her
So she confides secrets to them even her children will never know cause she will never remember
Her china dolls help her go on trips to far away lands that she can't even afford to dream about
And she loves them for that
Each one introduces her to a new culture as she imagines what its life would be like
She wishes she was more like them
Young like them
Beautiful like them
But most of all
Immortal like them
You see she's afraid of dying
But she's more like them than she thinks she is
She's fragile
As if she was made from the same valuable glass they were
She sees herself as broken
And her reflection only makes glass melt and leak from the windows to her soul like rain
She wishes she was young again
But this old girls been around the block
Been dropped too many times and the glue that is her sanctity is no longer strong enough to hold her together
You see she's tried talking to Him
but all she can manage to say is "Help Me"
cause she doesn't remember how to pray
maybe that's why it seems like He's always too busy to answer her
why it seems like He's always punishing her
Taking from her things that she always held so dear
She doesn't even recognize herself when she looks in the mirror
The first thing she lost was the sight in her left eye
As if it became a bleached stained glass window
Clouded with her faded memories that would seem to just get cloudier over time
Cause the next thing He took from her was her mind
Shooting holes into her most precious memories
Till it was hard for her to recognize her daughter's smile
Her son's eyes
Her granddaughter's complexion
All the things that she gave both generations
But she remembers her dolls
She holds on to them because they are the only thing that keeps her from connect to this world that she's slowly slipping away from
She doesn't want to die
She's afraid of even going to sleep
Haunted by her dreams of being trapped in the very same bed she lays her head in
But she amazes me
She stronger than she gives herself credit for
Cause she's held on longer than what was expected of her
Gripping her life so tight between her hands that her fingers go as numb as she feels when she looks into the stranger they call her husband's eyes
I wish I could give her back everything she's lost
Taking on to me everything that plagues her
And maybe I can be as blessed as to have as much strength as her
As much courage as her
Cause though she is afraid
She's never given in and she's never given up
She's accepted fate but she has never let it defeat hershe's a soldier
Fighting a war with no weapon other than her will to live
An Earth bound Angel
And I see beauty in her even when she fails to see it in herself
Cause she makes me want to hold on when I have nothing at all
She is and forever will be
my China Doll