Shut Up And Bleed

I’ve bled too many times for you
you’ve drained my heart dry
my poetic vampire
why do you insist on killing me so slowly?
your kiss wounds never seem to heal
but getting them didn’t hurt like this
your touches have left deep imprints only visible to me
that are constant reminders of the misery I’m drowning in
my eyes have darkened
they have become unfamiliar irises
that shed shattered tears
that taste too much like your “I Love You’s”
my pillow is tired of tasting those words
tired of being drenched in my heartache nightly
the dead stranger that stares back at me from my mirror is starting to scare me
she looks too much like the person I use to be
only colder
but her souls burns with a devastating fury
that sometimes consumes her
cripples her till the point of convulsions that shake her spirit
tears through her body
burning
I want to hate you
no better yet I want to fucking erase you
bleach my heart and mind so I can find somebody else
that can make me forget about the emptiness I feel
but in that same breathe
I don’t want anyone else
you’ve polluted my head
to the point that my dreams and nightmares cry out for you
I constantly have to remind myself to breathe
it seems pointless now
and I’m scared that my chest is going to collapse
scared that my heart has grown to heavy
and I will no longer be able to carry it
I’ve shut down completely
I no longer know me
only what I’ve become
I truly see differently now
no one will ever be good enough
no one will ever be able to understand
no one will be able to put me back together again
I’ve been shattered into too many pieces
you’ve become unknown to me
sprinkled with a faint familiarity
what happened to the person I feel in love with?
why did you take him away from me?
No longer can “I Watch Him”
cause I hate the fact that “I’m In Love With You”
And I know I use to hate her
but maybe it wasn’t the fact that “She Never Deserved You”
maybe you just didn’t know how to treat her either
Or maybe your feelings were genuine
you just didn’t know how to “Prove It”
and now she’s “Broken”
like me
again I say I’ve cried too many tears for you
bled too many times for you
took too many slash wounds on my heart from you
and you’ve only returned the favor once
you don’t talk to me
you keep telling me
I love you
I miss you
I’m sorry
but it seems like you don’t really understand what I want for you
so I’ll tell you
I just want you to hurt like me
just shut up
and bleed
for me
please...

Ice Age

They call me cold hearted
but it’s hard for me to pinpoint exactly when the frost bite started,
when my heart turned artic,
and when my aortic arch started to pump out too much anti freeze for my body to handle.
My engine has started to sputter,
losing life slowly,
spiraling out of control-
I think I need a jump start…
but I’m too afraid of the electricity.
I tend to run from love
finding comfort in the arms of my heart’s assassin
closed casket
I buried my heart a long time ago
And a year later…
I buried my common sense
Choosing to date fools who were only good for a good…
Love seems like it’s playing a never ending game of hide and seek with me
were I’m constantly it,
I’m constantly chasing.
And sometimes I fool myself into think that I finally caught it and then…
I run from it,
but love never seems to catch back up with me.
Funny how I end up chasing all over again…
Damn if I shouldn’t be a track star.
I’ve lost count of how many times this thing in my chest has been
snatched from me,
how many times I’ve almost lost all dignity
because my heart
betrayed my mind.
Don’t want to remember how many times I’ve mistaken love
for lust.
How many times I’ve looked for safety in the Devil’s arms
cause daddy…
wouldn’t hold me.
Always looking for the affection of man
in little boys who don’t even understand
the definition of how to be one
Funny,
I don’t know either…
maybe that’s why I fall easy.
I never knew what the sincerity in I love you should sound like
so when the words are uttered to me I make myself believe them.
It use to be easy for me to let people in,
but now,
as many times as I’ve been broken
I never open.
Everyone that has ever told me they loved me
has left me…
so it’s easier for me to let them leave
if there’s nothing that connects them to me.
I tend to give new people the cold shoulder
that way it won’t be any new ice sickles
to stab in my chest to make my heart grow colder.
I tend to hide my emotions.
You only see me lose composure when I’m…
about…
to blow,
So know that if you think that I’m just a little pissed…
I’ve really reached a whole new level of pissed-ocity
I warn you.
Though my heart might be cold
I can unleash the fires of hell with my wrath
don’t test me
I snap,
easy…
Especially since every chick that screams they like kin to me
ain’t no real friend to me
They flip-flop more than the shoes with the same damn name
Two faced
If I had a real friend for every dagger wound in my back
I’d have an army big enough to bring our soldiers back
I’d rather ride solo
cause from the get-go
I’ve been betrayed.
My kindness has been misused,
so I guess it’s safe to say I have trust issues
I’m sorry
Wait I lied,
FUCK AN APOLOGY
I refuse to give you the satisfaction of thinking that you mean anything to me.
You’re not worth my “I’m sorry”
It was you who made me this way
every one of you who’s done dirt to me
my own family seems like they are the descendents of Judas.
Betray me with kisses that send shiver down my spine.
They call me cold hearted
but maybe,
my heart has just been frozen over
and
d
r
o
p
p
e
d
s h a t t e r e d
So now,
it doesn’t exist anymore….

Bonded Souls

Our souls have met before
intertwining iniquitously intricate
forming an unbreakable braided bond between us
and I’m left,
wondering…
what were we before?
who were we to each other before?
before I was confined to this being
this name,
this ethnicity.
I’m left dreaming of time traveling back
till I find the origin
of our connection
who were you to me?
in another life
in another time…
maybe…
you were mine
husband who loved me unconditionally
blessed me
showered me with affection
put nothing above me,
loved me passionately,
your touches tease me with our unknown memories
who were you to me before?
what was your name?
was it father?
Was I your daughter?
your baby girl
or maybe I was your son
your child,
your seed
you beamed glory
saw my imperfections perfectly
Or was I mommy
bandaging scraped knees
letting you fall asleep on me
Were you snatched from me?
My aborted baby
child taken from mother?
Or were you my brother,
were we seeds birth from the same fruitconceived from palm leafs pressed to closely
siblings
joined at the hip
inseparable
protecting each other
shedding blood if anyone dared to hurt blood
What is our connection
Cause from the first time I saw you
I was drawn to you
I felt like I’d known you before
though I couldn’t place your face
I knew that if I could trace our spirit’s paths far back enough
I’d find you
hidden in my unknown history
for all I know we could’ve been enemies
hated one another
couldn’t stand to even look at each other
your death sworn from my lips
I had a bounty on your head
and you
wanted me dead
who could we have been
maybe you were master
slave owner
and I worked your fields diligently
picking your cotton
and taking the whip lashes you left on me
you considered me property
nothing more than another possession you could use at your disposal
I feel your presents before I ever know where you are
and your voices triggers unseen flash backs of our past
and sometimes
I have to fight the urge to touch you
reach out and try to grasp some part of who we used to be
you’re a constant figure in my dreams
but it seems like I always wake up before I catch you
You are a familiar stranger,
I know nothing about you
but I know you,
Our souls,
have met before…

Soldier

He’s tryna be a soldier
Tryna prove he can handle the weight of the world on his shoulders
Barricading his self with his burdens
And he tells me,
He never quite knew how to lay them down
Never knew how to place them at the feet of He
Never knew how to pray correctly
Tells me he wants to do better he just doesn’t know how
And I can almost hear the crack in his voice whisper his tears to me
And I feel like holding him
Cradling his fears
I want to be his new foundation
Or at least the cement used to fill the cracks in his old one
He’s dying for some stability
But he won’t let anyone get close enough to help him
He’s been taught that being a man means never let anyone in
Never show your weakness
And never let anyone see you cry
But his weakness is that he’s scared of being weak
And his unshed tears are drowning his soul
Weighing down his spirit
Maybe that’s why he moves so slow
Dragging his feet
And sometimes I wonder if he wishes that his heels were erasers
Wishes that he could erase the traces of his existence
If his feet could just scrape the ground hard enough
He’s tryna hold up this image
Tryna keep it picture perfect
But I wish that he would realize
Even the “Mona Lisa” had her flaws
And you can guarantee van Gogh missed a few stars
he can’t walk on water
but some times…
I wish that I could
then maybe I would finally be able to get across the moat that surrounds his heart
I just want to help
If you trust me enough to confide in me
then trust me enough to cry on me
you can’t go it alone
you can’t be the only soldier standing in the middle of a war zone
and expect to win
you’re not a one man armyI’m waiting for you to realize I’m here
you don’t have to carry the world by yourself
just look over your shoulder
I’ll be here when you have no one else left
arms spread eagle
let me bare some of your burdens
intertwine your fingers with mine
and I’ll teach you how to pray
I’m ready when you are
put your heart in my hands and I promise I’ll help you carry its melody
burry it in my soul so you’ll never have to worry about it ever going cold again
give me your fears and I’ll hide them in my womb
carry them like the children you can’t father
till you’re ready for them to be birthed
ready to watched them grow into something beautiful
Or better yet,
if I could swallow you whole and hold you in my womb
so you can start life over again
I’d do it in a heart beat
hold you in my abdomen
belly swollen with you
I’d carry you in my safe space
so you’d never have to look any further than my embrace to find safety
come to me
cause if you think you can make it on two feet
I guarantee you
you could do a lot more
on 4
let me resuscitate soul
give life back to your spirit’s lungs
breathe…
me
inhale my aura
and exhale your sorrows
I could help you fill this hollow shell that is your body
help mend your wounds
if you would just let me…
in.

Breathe

I forgot how to breathe...
And my heart is stuck on this repeated morbid melody
I try to use my eyelids like erasers to erase the image of you
From my otherwise picture perfect view
But somehow,
You’re seared on the inside of them
And now my canvas is tarnished
Smudged with your slovenly fingerprints
I constantly feel dirty
Like you painted me with oil
Maybe that’s way your hands tend to slip over every inch of me
Your “I love you’s” vice grip my lungs shut
I forgot how to breathe
As you lean over me
Sneaking into my room
as silently as the cancer that took mommy’s breasts away from you
your skin is saturated with the sweet perfumed of her body
the scent of her hips is stained on your lips
mixes with your favorite elixirs as you trace my ears with your tongue
I don’t want to remember how to breathe
I wonder…
How could you touch me like mommy
Be able to look at my hips and stand erect
How can you lay seed in your seed
Your semen
lines my hymen
that you have left hanging like the tattered rags
that hang off the children in Bag-
dad how could you do this to me
you use to be my knight in shinning armor
how could you fuck your own daughter
did I look too much like my mother
blossomed into a flower that too much resembled
the one whose petals have been damaged and faded
you’ve invaded my soul
and every time you kiss me my heart goes…
cold…
like the poison that you injected into me was laced with ice
I pray daily
Hoping that the what grows inside me
won’t come out looking to much like
the Demon that helped me produce this blessing
or is it a curse?
Birthing my brother
Mothering my sibling
dreading the day that I have to explain to my child
that their daddy,
and granddaddy,
hold one in the same name
predator
pedophile
molester
monster
I wish
I never
knew how to breathe
in the first place.
Wish that I was never conceived
to receive
this being
that dwells within me.
Why is this happening?
It’s become so routine…
I know exactly how many rhythmetic thrusts
come before you bust.
How many come before you slap me
for not looking like I enjoy it.
How many come before you tell me
that this is my fault
and I…
deserve it.
I’ve stopped screaming…
Stopped hoping mommy was listening
cause now I know
that she knows.
Cause she never looks at me…
directly.
She speaks to me through silence
quick glances that dance around my eyes.
I can tell that she cries.
Her eyelashes whisper I’m sorry
every time she blinks.
And it seems like she’s forgotten how to breathe,
or maybe she doesn’t want to either.
Our house is suffocating
I can’t take the tears that roll off
my souls window pains
I can’t stand the rain.
I feel like I’m drowning…
but maybe that’s not a bad thing.
At least then,
I won’t ever
have to remember
how
to
breathe...

Broken: The Essay

Do you know how to hold a broken woman?
How to mend her and hold her together? How to touch her in ways that wouldn’t remind her of the pain she had to sustain? Do you know how to erase the traces of her yesterdays?
See me, I’m tired of being broken. It seems like every time I think I have a winning hand and lay my cards on the table I still end up getting beat out. Every time I try to completely give myself to some one I always come back to me in pieces. You see the thing that hurts the most about being broken isn’t the actual act of it happening, it’s watching how you tend to misplace the pieces to who you use to be. Looking at yourself in the mirror and seeing a puzzle with fading parts or empty spots that you will never be able to fix. My maintenance is high, not because I’m materialistic, but because I’m use to being hurt, use to my heart pumping out the same saturnine melody. Simple things tend to trigger flash back of me being stabbed in the back, and sometimes I don’t even feel like bouncing back. Damn I wish life came with a re-do button, cause sometime your heart isn’t just broken by your lover, it can be broken by some one that you might consider a parental type, or brother, or even some one you might consider a sister. Funny how we tend to give these tittles to people that could be our worse enemy’s idol. So called friends have told me that if I ever wanted anything it was mine, but all I really want is for someone to remove this dagger from my spine. It keeps getting pushed and twisted further into me that now it’s broke through my soul and has left deep wounds on this ticking thing that I carry in my left breast. I’m shattered.
And I know you’re wondering how I got broken, or why I chose to write this paper on this subject matter. But all that right there, doesn’t really matter. And I know inquiring minds like to know, but sharing is caring, and frankly I stop caring a long ass time ago. All you need to know is that I’m cold, tired, and my tank is running on E, so I’m sorry if you have every thought that I was being a bit of a bitch to you but like I said , simple things make me feel like I’m in a reenactment of my past. Some people tend to think I’m a bit unstable, chemically unbalanced, or crazy whatever the hell they chose to call me. Others might view me as the silent type, stuck up, or cocky. These things that they see are true to some extent. I am unstable, cause every time I think I’ve found my stability it betrays me. And I am silent, simple because I chose to watch people and let their action speak for them. Let them subconsciously tell me every thing I need to know before they get a chance to lie to me. Now as for cocky, sometime the faded puzzle piece that is my confidence tends to regain a little color. Sometimes I think that I can rebuild myself, but then I realize I can’t build a house on a cracked foundation, even if it is empty.
Really, I just one person that I can trust. A friend or something more, I don’t care, I just need one. Or better yet both wrapped in one, someone that I don’t have to teach how to love me. Someone that I don’t have to explain my trust issues to. Someone that can make me feel whole again, someone that can rebuild me. Damn if I don’t just want somebody that already knows how to hold me. But does anyone know how to hold a broken woman? How to mend her and hold her together? How to touch her in ways that wouldn’t remind her of the pain she had to sustain? Does anyone how to erase the traces of her yesterdays?
I guess I’m just going to have to deal with being beautifully broken beyond beneficent rehabilitation, reconstruction, or reincarnation. Rebirth initializing in
5…
4…
3…
2…
1…

Broken

Do you know how to hold a broken woman?
How to mend her and hold her together?
How to touch her in ways
that wouldn’t remind her of the pain she had to sustain?
Do you know how to erase the traces of her yesterdays?
I’m tired of being broken.
Tired of trying when it seems like you don’t understand
just how much of my being exists in you.
Don’t understand that I,
am delicate…
fragile.
Despite what I spit on mics
You are a beautiful misery.
Your touches please me painfully,
but sometimes…
I feel like you’re just playing with me.
Then,
you smile.
Reeking havoc on my heartbeat,
giving me 32 more reason to love you.
And I feel like…
I need you.
I fiend for you.
Wish you could understand the stillness in my eyes,
hear everything I can’t speak
every time I swallow my tongue.
Your eyes are openly closed,
and I’m left wondering…
Are you scared of letting go?
Cause I know your history,
but sometimes,
I feel like you’re taking this out on me
When I’m just trying to give you,
all of me.
And I know it might sound hypocritical,
but your silence,
is slaying me.
I’m waiting for your kisses to save me,
but it seems like you don’t want to be my hero.
Your light seems like its fading,
and I’m scared of the dark.
My Knight Light in shinning armor
your silver is losing its luster…
Was it me that tarnish you?
Maybe it was all the tears I shed on you…
Creating an easy way for you to slip away,
I’m struggling to find a way to re-shine you.
And I wish I could make my clock go tock tick backwards
I miss the old you
And now I’m regretting what I told you.
You invaded more than just my mind…
I opened up my soul for you.
Wanted my tears to wash away
what was left from those not suitable for you.
I’m trying to reach out for you,
my hand is waiting for you to take,
but you are slipping through its crevices.
Like sand held to close,
the tighter I hold you,
the more you slip away,
but I’ll be damned if I let you go.
You were everything I ever wanted
I’m wondering…
did I do too much to keep you?
Maybe I should have just acted like I didn’t want you,
lied to you,
hurt you more than possible,
then maybe you would want me…
But I’d rather see you happy,
even if it’s not with me.
Just tell me.
I’ll let you walk away freely,
no ties,
and no connections.
It’ll be like you never met me.
Just say that’s how you want it to be,
don’t keep torturing me.
“If you don’t want me then don’t talk to me”
cause my confusion is about to make me lose it.
What else do I have to do for you?
I’m tired of spiting my tears for you over mics.
Tired of trying to cradling my fears of losing you
in your eyes.
Tired of the emptiness in your “I love you’s”
sending shivers down my spine.
If you love me,
tell me without speaking.
Make me feel beautiful
instead of invisible.
I just want you to hold me.
But do you know how to hold a broken woman?
How to mend her and hold her together?
How to touch her in ways
that wouldn’t remind her of the pain she had to sustain?
Do you know how to erase the traces of her yesterdays?
……I’m so tired of being broken.